My Mum told me she'd found a green pill on the floor and it wasn't hers. Neither was it mine. But we'd had visitors. On investigation, it turned out that it wasn't one of my son's, my brother's or my nephew's, either. In fact, none of them has a desire to turn themselves into another version of The Incredible Hulk. It turns out that it was actually a frozen pea that had rolled onto the floor and been trodden on.
I should have known. As soon as she said "green" I thought 'pea' but she insisted it wasn't a pea, so I posted my enquiring messages to the visitors. It wasn't for a couple of hours that I actually saw it. By that time, it had defrosted and wasn't so much a squashed frozen pea, but a squishy mashed-up green blob, otherwise known as a mushy pea, the sort that sticks to your fingers as you travel the breadth of the Atlantic Ocean between my kitchen table and kitchen bin to get rid of it. This brings me neatly to my next point.
Lancashire is to be dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century by 2026 as it will be giving its householders another bin, well, a caddy, for food waste. Already there are idiots around screaming about additional mountains of waste, totalling missing the point that collecting and anaerobically digesting this stuff, rather than chucking it into landfills or feeding it to the gulls, will actually reduce our dependence on fossil fuels. And that'll be good for my roof because then there'll be fewer gulls to squawk and dance on my rooftop at the crack of dawn, or to squit out their droppings and dirty up my fence. Plus, it won't be additional waste, since at the moment food waste is filling up 40% of the grey bin if you believe the figures.
But, yes, it will mean finding money for an extra bin and finding somewhere to put that caddy. They reckon it will cost £2m to process the stuff, against the £4m it currently costs to get rid of it, and they'll save £4m in energy costs, so surely it's a no-brainer? Yet, I read locally of one Neanderthal's idea to use the caddy as a pee bucket for when he goes fishing... how common, but I know where I shall be putting mine. Nearer to the kitchen table. To use as a pea bucket.
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